It’s shadowy in here. The light comes in from time to time, but it’s not as bright or warm or comforting as it has been in times past.
This is not my first go-round in this state of mind. For as long as I can remember I’ve been a serious, introverted individual. Not that I haven’t had my jovial moments, mind you! I inherited my dad’s easy breezy ability to make people laugh. It’s effortless…a few well timed phrases and I’ve got ’em rolling in the aisles. At times I do experience genuine joy. But these days, more often than not, humour making is the mask I wear.
On a regular basis my heart is heavy. I worry. I fear. I get stressed. I get anxious. I cry. And when I end up going through that washing machine cycle of emotions, being spun around at high speeds by circumstances I can’t seem to get control of, that’s when the veil falls and blocks the sun.
At times the veil lifts on its’ own, like fog fading as dawn becomes full-blown day. Other times I do my best to function as best I can, in spite of limited visibilty. This curtain that separates me from my world, from real connections with friennds and loved ones, can also bring a strange sense of security. Back here, behind the partition, I can’t be hurt. Well, not as much…it’s my own little world, my pocket of protection.
But it’s still a divider. Intangible, invisible, irrefutable.