When I first started this blog page (about a year and a half ago??), I was going through a change. I was trying to come out of the darkness, trying to find myself within the costume I wear. As a mom, friend, daughter, wife, I was everything I was supposed to be, but nothing like what I wanted to be. Coming in here to jot down my musings for the whole world to see, was my way of voicing my hopes, fears, random opinions. And by doing that, my aim was to get one step closer to the true me.
One thing I’ve always had trouble with, from childhood, was change. Sudden changes make me anxious. I won’t bother to get into the whys and wherefores, suffice it to say that I kinda lose mah shit. The shift can be something as simple as having a two events to attend on the same day (Oh, the hard life of a social butterfly!!), to larger issues like conflicts with friends.
See, the problem is that I have high expectations for people around me, the same expectations I have for myself. I know what I want from a friendship and in turn I require the same thing from those around me. And there, as Hamlet said, is the rub. Because what I expect is not what others consider putting out. It’s been a rough couple of years, coming to terms with this fact, and BY NOW I should be well seasoned, with a harder shell than an armadillo. Or a peanut M&M. Which clearly isn’t that hard if I can bite it. But I digress…
Just recently, very recently, like this week recently, it’s happened again. Friends doing things that I didn’t expect them to do, doing what they said they wouldn’t do, and here am I pacing the halls like Hamlet (it’s what you do while you ponder!). I’m stunned! I’m reeling from the shock! I’m upset, devastated and wondering what to do!! Then it hits me, V8 style: How could I NOT see this coming?!? I mean seriously this is nothing new. I don’t know how long before I realize that people are more often than not apt to let you down. One would like to believe it’s unintentional, tho sometimes it is. Disappointment is part of life. High time I learn to expect it.